Learn about us. Faith can move mountains, but I prefer dynamite. 44. Theres only one problem: I didnt ask for it. Funny things to say 30. 2. 45. Omg you guys are quick! Im not lactose, but some people find me hard to tolerate. In Canada? 20. 52. 86. Can we start the weekend again? 49. 78. 70. Dude, ask them their favorite song, play it on youtube and leave it alone until they hang up. One day you will be right. Same goes for this anonymous woman, addressed by a Facebook scammer trying to earn some easy money. 43. 22. You are so stupid. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. 454 Sorry Im late, its just that I didnt want to come. Answers are what we have to solve other people's problems. Answer the phone and just dont say anything. But His Quick Thinking Saved A Life. Have fun! A bag of money can represent not only wealth, but also massive inflation. I run a charity and I tell them all about it and launch into my please donate speech. If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny. 34. 88. Girl, you are so delightful, cheerful, and bright, you can make Batman rent an apartment and abandon his cave! Besides, youll find plenty of cranky voices venting below. 35. Youve probably received one of those nasty spam messages from a scammer. 47. 67. 52. Be like me, dont even try. I havent used it once. 51. For a scammer time is their biggest asset. 84. Enjoy! Meanwhile, she continues her studies, obsessively listens to music, sings in the shower and everywhere else, hoping that inspiration eventually pays a visit. 39. I don't really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. Funny things to say 70. Dedicated to your stories and ideas. When I was little, I was addicted to Animal Planet. At Least Spell It Right Abungus 6. I'd say, "Sorry, my son is on fire." And hang up. Would you please proceed to have coitus with yourself?. You arejust like me. 100. In my current state, if I cut an onion, she is the one crying. 4. Every minute theyre on the phone with me is another minute they arent scamming someone else. I advise you to read this list, study and memorize it it will help you become the quirkiest guy or gal in the room, especially if youre all by yourself in there. Thank you for calling Barbecue Bills morgue, you kill em, we grill em! You're hot like coffee, sweet like sugar and filled with a little extra pep to make it simply perfect. Other times, I let my wife sleep. Gossipy? 28. How may I help you?. Try calling Pizza Hut just to ask Dominos phone number. Scammer: Ok. (another 10 minutes of Continue Reading 4.6K 31 288 Sponsored by Forbes HR Emails Employees to Organize the Company Christmas Party. I have clean conscience. A bait often involves replying to a 419 come-on, pretending to be someone who's been taken in by the lies -- metaphorically saying for example, "Yes, I'm very much interested in receiving this. I want my wheelbarrow back!". 20. This time, I'm just going to pick a woman I don't like and give her a house instead. This Is The Best Text Reply Ever To Scammers - Atchuup! Learn this: the world doesnt revolve around you. 3. Shuts them up. Money is not everything. Joes morgue you bag em we tag em what can I do you for? 22. I dont suffer from insanityI enjoy every minute of it. 77. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. When they ask me if I want to hear about their product I say, Sure, but first let me tell you about our lord and savior Jesus Christ., 5. 40. Group assignments helped understand why Batman works alone. If they EVER call you back, you can sue them for harassment. 50. 6. Ill have a bloody mary because they say it helps cure hangovers. If your girlfriend says, You will never find somebody like me, answer: thank God, I want somebody different.. 8. Funny things to say 12. If history repeats itself, I'm getting a pet dinosaur. Id give the signal. If its not solar panels, its for exterminators. Try ordering a pizza 15 minutes before New Year, and when it arrives, yell, Youre late! That usually messes with their call stats too and hopefully they wont be thrilled to call you back. 46. You have aperception problem. We place too much emphasis on the early bird's good luck and not enough on the early worm's bad luck. 30. If they are persistent I will blow whistles or have resorted to air horns but only after asking once or twice not to call me back. 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me Im crazy. 68. The day your opinion is a chocolate cake, Ill want it! When they stop say Im almost there. 4. 19. What does it matter if its the weekend when I need it to be the end of the month? I don't understand how people can be so open-minded. When someone asks how you know a mutual friend, say, "Beetle fighting.". The most painful thing in the world is lying down on the couch and remember you forgot the tv remote. Hello, I am calling from duct cleaning. There's no one like me. The next time you buy a donut, complain that theres a hole in it. Dont let anything bring you down just remember that even a kick in your ass pushes your forward. Pretend to be really stressed out and say animal noises calm you down and ask them to make animal noises. Faith can move mountains, but I prefer dynamite. 4. Bipolars sometimes do, sometimes dont. If you fight with a woman, shes either right or youre wrong. Do your parents know you steal money from old ladies for a living?, Are your parents proud of you for being a thief?. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. My son would start screaming. I KNEW IT WASNT MT FAULT! But now Im not so sure. This man had enough of their nonsense and replied to the scammer with one of the most hilarious responses weve seen to date. I am on a seafood diet. Then tell them to just wait for a minute while you answer the door. 46. 32. Try calling someone just to tell them you cant talk right now. I used to work in a call centre and I vividly remember when one customer told my co-worker that he was a cop and that he just got involved in a crime case for calling. I get calls all the time for companies trying to install solar panels on my roof. As if they just decided to call you for fun. 29. This is Kieth. Here I am! It's pretty safe to say that some of these "scam" messages are actually so hilarious, especially the ones that came from a "celebrity". As is a person, so is a fridge: its whats inside that matters. Im watching a new series the series of mistakes Ive made in my life. 10. 7. Im just an historian of other peoples lives! With the existence of social media and other social platforms on the Internet, more and more people seem to be manipulating and scamming random people out of their money, if not their personal information. 98. Oh, I own a landscaping company Water filter? 35. Ive heard youve been in an accident that wasnt your fault.. 21. Try texting someone a random word and see what happens next. 93. Or, being the grumpy old person that you are, you can set it to the side, try to ignore it and pretend to do what you should be doing anyway but hey, you got to the end of this paragraph, so why not try and give this list of funny things to say a go? Next:80 Weird But Funny Questions to Ask Sorry, Not Sorry!-. 73. 46-Year-Old Man Finds Out His Wifes Been Cheating for 10 years, Then Posts This On Facebook, When Asked for Advice on How to Deal with Grief, This Old Man Gave the Most Incredible Reply, Bobby Fischer playing against 50 opponents simultaneously in 1964, US Marines Try to Mess With These Norwegian Kids It Was A Huge Mistake. 9. So read on and share your favorites with your friendsor anyone really! 4. 89. 79. The first five days of the week are the toughest. Whats your favorite scary movie? In a creepy voice. 55. 2. I like to keep them on the phone for as long as I possibly can. Subtle, yet effective. This man had enough of their nonsense and replied to the scammer with one of the most hilarious responses we've seen to date. But This Unexpected Thing Happens. 57. 60. Ready to leave the seriousness and stress of the day behind you for a little bit? 54. 60. Whoever is married to Mrs. Smith for forty years doesnt know a thing about marriage, only knows about Mrs. Smith. 13. A balanced diet simply means a having cupcake in each hand. 26. January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. Learn more about working with Thought Catalog. 30. Every woman should marry an archeologist, because the older she gets, the more he'll love her. 68. 37. 66. The Caller ID always comes up with something like SUN CITY or SOLAR SOLUTIONS. When I see those, I usually answer with: Hello, we already have solar panels, how can I help you? They usually just respond with something like, Ah, have a nice day, then, and hang up. Shuts them up. 94. I wish your life is as good as it seems on your social media accounts! 18. 28. 14. I usually just draw on my inner 9 year old and scream like I just got kicked off the x-box. 23. I usually pretend that Im an old man rambling in Spanish and arguing with his wife. Whats better than a few silly quips to make these tough times funnier and cheerful? In the sentence He woke up early., the subject is Sleepy. 27. Answer the call with, Hello caller, youre on the air!. 100 Funny Things to Say Over Text Silliest Funny Quips To Laugh And Cry Along 1. My mom knew from experience that if you unplug the house phone the other person hears this deafening screech, he didnt call again. Are you hot? whether it was a woman or a man. This is especially true if we aren't careful with the things we click on our phones or computers. Hey hold on Ill be right backputs phone downOH NOBODY JUST SOME DICKHEAD IM GONNA SEE HOW LONG I CAN KEEP THIS ASSHOLE ON THE LINE!, 43. They are people doing a job just like you. Then put your phone down and just forget about it. You're in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you. If money doesnt buy happiness, I want to be sad and rich! So The Conspiracy Theorists Are Right desenagrator44 5. See below for one of the many funny conversations he's had with various unsuspecting scammers. Insomnia makes you a better mathematician, because you spend all night calculating how much time you will be able to sleep. 72. You are so annoying. It's difficult to do nothing because you never know when you're done. Just keep putting them on hold. 48. You spank it, we bank it! 3. I used to think I was indecisive. I always sell what ever they are selling for a living Need your ducts cleaned? Irony is like blush: if you dont know how, dont use it. Ill hit redial on the last telemarketer I got and add them to the call. If you want to talk about me, say it to my face. 6. Laziness is the mother of all vices, and as a mother, she deserves to be respected. If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I'd give an amazing speech at your funeral. I got a call once asking for my wife. 7. I ordered this a year ago!. A sense of humor is the feeling that makes laugh of something that would make you mad if it happened to you. 48. Except for a parking meter, change is inevitable. Why aren't coffees served on a coffee table? An apple a day keeps the doctor awayif you throw it hard enough! See more ideas about funny texts, messages, text messages. 84. 41. If your friends don't make fun of you, they're not really your friends. Can I get your name and home phone number and I can call you later tonight?, J: Why not? 27. I am not as think as you confused I am really! Dont follow my steps, Im also lost. You are so weird. When someone tells you, Have a nice day!, stare at them and say, Dont tell me what to do!. Me: One moment please while I see if he's available. Is there a connection between candy corn and corn nuts? It's never a good idea to drink and derive. 75. 59. If they are from India, as they nearly always are, I play along at first, to waste their time. 49. His billing rate is $500 per hour. We need to invent a new day between Saturday and Sunday. They love it when people quickly hang up because then they can try the next mark. A psychiatrist is someone who will charge you money for answers that you can get for free from your wife or friends. He just yelled in the most twangy voice possible I aint got no teeth! They immediately hung up. If you think no one cares whether you're alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments. Jeez, how dark it is in here, right? It freaks them out. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. And losing your phone number would be the least of your concerns when your data is stolen. 19. 62. I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is Goodbye.. Im almost dressing up as Pokmon to see if somebody goes looking for me. Not only do they immediately give up, but you also get removed from all of the call lists. Comment down your thoughts, or share this article for all your family and friends to see! Have your own sales pitch ready. I tell them to hang on a second. 11. But the I told you so, Ill give without you asking for it. Speaking of sharing time, have you heard of a timeshare?. 16. I have had some ask if they were calling a business. Im sleepy all day, and then when I get to bed, I want to bake a cake, write a book, and learn five new languages. These hilarious jokes, zingy one-liners, and dry puns will guarantee you either a genuine or a pity laugh but laughter is always laughter after all and is truly in desperate need. Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out. The perfect man doesnt drink, doesnt smoke, doesnt get home late, doesnt cheat Well, doesnt exist. 20. If you cant laugh at yourself, I can do that for you. 83. Check out some of the best posts in the group below! 1. 13. (At this point I set the phone down and continue with my Sudoku puzzle for 10 minutes) Scammer: .hello?. If you really want to look young and thin then you should hang out around fat old people. 36. Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet! Except when you drink too much. My dad once got a call from a clearly scammy dental insurance company. They told me to follow my dreams, so I turned to my side and kept sleeping. 30. - Cool Stories Daily This Is The Best Text Reply Ever To Scammers You've probably received one of those nasty spam messages from a scammer. Do you want to know the secret to get rich? 53. Unfortunately, I wont be able to make it Because I dont want to! The lady started to apologize so I told her that she took some green vitamin and it killed her. Then I find a way to work the phrase "Bhenchod" into the convers. 10. I never make the same mistake twice I make it about five times only to make sure it really is a mistake. My favorite way is the way Jerry Seinfeld did it in one episode. Whoever said you can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop! He eats the bees. 19. 34. Theres only one thing that is worse than waking up early: a holiday on a Sunday. 76. When a telemarketer called, my dad would put me on the phone with them to tell them facts about animals until they hung up. 27. 69. A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back. I almost cleaned on Monday, almost cleaned it on Tuesday, almost cleaned it on Wednesday, 95. 17. As if they just decided to call you for fun. What are your other two wishes? If you have access to a toddler, give the phone to the toddler and tell them that the nice person on the phone wants to hear all about their day. My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations. 74. 71. Silliest Funny Quips To Laugh And Cry Along. Funny things to say 40. 1. Its a great excuse because even though they know that Im most likely not Amish (because they have me on the phone) questioning a religion would be an asshole move. Sure, alcohol doesnt solve any problems. If I tried to look as attractive as all of the celebrities I like, I'd end up looking about as ugly as I am. It is very sad when youre rich, handsome, and sexy, and then the alarm clock rings and ends it all. Hey, you know what? 100. For example: Them: Can I interest you in the chance to win 500? Civil status: distance relationship with my bed. Dude, ask them their favorite song, play it on youtube and leave it alone until they hang up. We welcome community contributions for Collective World. Funny things to say 87. 1. I respect the opinion of everybody who agrees with me. Oh, I own a duct cleaning business Need lawn care? 31. Do you know how many wheels of cheese it takes to make a 20th scale replica of Hoover Damn? 40. The problem with close-minded people is that they generally come with an open mouth. That, and women. From funny things to say to a crowd to funny things to say to your coworkers, we rounded up the best LOL-worthy sayings all in one spot. How can you scoot along if you dont have a scooter? 63. 91 Short Jokes //172 Dad Jokes //91 Corny Jokes //75 Stupid Jokes //82 Dark Humor Jokes, 82 Chuck Norris Jokes //91 Yo Mama Jokes //154 Bad Jokes //118 Bad Dad Jokes. So You Suddenly Forgot Your Own Name HailHydraforce 8. 2. If a rabbits foot brought good luck, the rabbit wouldnt have lost it to begin with! Im not always hungry; sometimes Im sleepy too. 69. 1. Wasting their time is the best thing you can do to piss them off. 46. 36. Oh, I own a landscaping company Water filter? 91. 44. Its funny how the cost of living is going up but the chance of living is going down. Annoying guy its that guy that has more interest in us than we have in him. 61. Communist jokes arent funny unless everyone gets them. If they are a telemarketer, tell them you are deceased and start crying. It must be love, since I have no interest in him at all. A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists. 29. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps. 28. 10. I'm not always hungry; sometimes I'm sleepy too. Me: (from a distance) One sec please. When they say that This conversation will be recorded tell them youre not allowing it.
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